Assalamu’alaikum warahmatullahi wabarakatuh. I hope you are well. If you are reading this, welcome to my space.
Inshallah I have started to write this to journal my journey back to my Deen. I find it difficult to talk to anyone without sounding arrogant, or judgmental or like I’m bragging about what I’m talking about. Also, as this journey is mine, I do not wish to impose on anyone else regarding my feelings and that includes my family.
Also, I have to confess I have a selfish reason to write my experiences down. In the hope that someone does read this and it helps them, then inshallah that will also be beneficial to me as a reward from my lord for helping a fellow human being, both in this life, and long after I have left this earth inshallah.
I am a Muslim. No not the scary type you see in the media. I’m more the hippie type that wants and promotes peace and happiness to whoever I can. I was born a Muslim and throughout my life, being raised in the UK, I always felt a spiritual connection to my Deen (Religion). I always believed but I was ignorant to that belief.
What I’m trying to say is that I sinned. A lot. I turned my back on my lord and despite my heart telling me what I’m doing is wrong, I chose not to listen and to continue doing what I was doing. My Imaan (faith) was lost. This remained from my teenagers years all the way to recent months. I’m married, have children and yet nothing changed in my connection to my lord. There just wasn’t one.
I don’t want to dwell to much on my past as the shame I feel is something I am putting energy into with repentance with my lord. What I want to write about is how my soul and my heart has started waking up from being in coma. A coma in which my dreamworld was the Dunya (material world).
I started going to the gym early in the morning. When I say early I mean around 5am. Now because I got up at 5am, I could not go and do a worldly thing without reading the Fajr (morning) prayer first. So I always read the Fajr prayer before the gym. Now make no mistake, Fajr prayer was a secondary action to going to the gym. In my mind, the gym was always the priority and the reason why I would discipline myself to waking up at 5am.
One morning, I woke up but was too tired to get out of bed and decided not to go to the gym. However, when I woke up, it was time for Fajr prayer. As the gym was the only reason I was trying to get up and as I decided I would not go to the gym that morning, Fajr wasn’t a thought for me and I fell back asleep.
When I fell back asleep I had a dream. Now I don’t want to talk about the theories and thoughts I have about who the man in the dream was but I did see a man. With a beard and head scarf standing next to me over my bed. The man was looking down on me while I slept. He asked me why I was still sleeping. I told him cos I decided not to go to the gym. He asked “what about Fajr?”
Now this caught me off guard cos Fajr never entered my mind before this. I told the man I was not going to the gym, so I was not getting up. So I was not reading Fajr, The man only said one last sentence: “Is the gym a condition for your Fajr or is Fajr the condition for your gym?”
After the man said this I woke up. I woke up and I felt very very different. Not shaken. Not even confused. I instantly felt that I knew what the man was trying to tell me. I got out of bed, made wudu and read my Fajr.
And from that day, I started reading Fajr every morning, gym or no gym. Essentially, Fajr became the condition for my gym and alhumdulillah this was the start of my lord calling me back to my Deen and putting me back on the straight path…