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My Journey

MY JOURNEY – PT.2

Assalamu’alaikum warahmatullahi wabarakatuh. Thanks for reading and sticking with my story. Part 1 was essentially laying down the context of my change and the experiences I am going through now.

In this second part, after I had my dream and trying to identify who the man was in my dream. I had a very urgent need I had to satiate. A thirst or urge that I couldn’t quite put my finger on.

I started reading my 5 prayers daily and instantly started feeling at peace. The worries and stresses of the world that I had were still there but I started seeing them with different eyes. Despite this, the urge I had was still there.

By chance I came across a picture of some Islamic books on Instagram and that urge I had went to like, defcon 1. I realised then what I was yearning for was knowledge. I ordered those very books from Amazon and as my birthday was round the corner, I created an Amazon wish list and asked my family to buy me as many of the books as possible.

This was the urge. The more I read, the more I felt satisfied. The more I felt fulfilled. For the first time in my 35 years, I was learning about the inner dimensions of my Islam and it was world changing.

I learned about why things are the way they are. Why The almighty communicates with us via prophets and books that he sends down. I learned why the prophets appeared at certain locations on the earth. I learned why there’s a heaven and why there’s a hell.

You see the issue with me and with many around the world was, I was raised a Muslim. I was told the basics. I was taught the Quran. But I was never taught Arabic. So I could read the Quran but never understand it. I could fear my lord but I could never love my lord.

These contradictions were finally defeated for me. I finally knew who I was. Why I was here and what my job is. But why now and why me? I genuinely, in my heart believe that my lord called me back to the path I was supposed to be on.

The Prophet Mohammed (peace and blessings be upon him) said: “To whomever Allah wills goodness, He grants him understanding of the religion.”

When I first read that Hadith, I was sat in my car alone, and I wept like a baby. I mean I was beside myself. Because this is it. Why did I have the dream? Why did I have such an instant yearning for knowledge of my religion?

It’s because my creator, the lord of the worlds himself willed good for me. Despite me turning my back on him for most of my life. Sinning and sinning and living in ignorance. He called me back himself. The feeling was overwhelming but that moment when I realised was one of the happiest moments of my life.

My guilt came flooding soon afterwards. Realising what I had done in my past, my job now was to repent as much as I could and pray that Allah accepts and forgives. I’m lucky that my lord is called Al Raheem.

A lot of changes came fast and most of these came naturally. I stopped listening to music. This was a big one for me cos music has been a major part of my life. But I deleted all my Spotify playlists and replaced everything with Islamic Nasheeds and songs about Islam. I removed a lot of subscribed podcasts and replaced them with some amazing Islamic Khutbas.

I wanted to remember Allah as much as I could during my day to day. These changes helped a lot but the next big change for me was to come. A big relationship change with something I’ve been on and off with my whole life. I decided it was time to fully understand and use my spare time to fix my relationship with the holy Quran…

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